it's the sound of your racing heart that beats in time with every start [entries|friends|calendar] if it's true i'm not playing with you, i'm not playing with you, i'm not playing with you, i clean forgot how to play. but you can still come around, in fact i invite you down, maybe together we can wipe that smile off your face. cause what a difference, what a difference, what a difference a little difference would make. we'll draw a blueprint, it must be easy, it's just a matter of knowing when to say no or yes. frustrating, frustrating, always waiting for the bigger axe to fall. a patient game that i can't find my way to play. never mind what's been selling, it's what you're buying and receiving undefiled. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

this is a public service announcement [Tuesday, February 07, 2006 @ 11:30pm] [ music | Dire Straits - "Walk Of Life" ] from here on out.. (semi-) maybe mostly friends-only entries and some public. everything, i.e., any current entry, is below this entry. if you have any desire to add me, comment here. 36&post!

[Wednesday, December 22, 2004 @ 8:48pm] [ mood | lame ] FUCK, NATASHA AND I MADE LEMBAS TODAY REAL LEMBAS IT WAS GREAT SERIOUSLY it was so good oh and NEW JOURNAL. pornographers. add me? oh yeah and the journal name was totally stolen from Becka. me = unoriginal but whatever 13&post!

it's all just small talk. [Monday, December 13, 2004 @ 10:53pm] [ mood | excited. ] [ music | the Spotlight Syndicate - "Mannequin/Erotic New Science" ] you you you. well, we've got nothing to say. i might be able to guess what it is but i think i'd rather not. i'm probably wrong, but it doesn't matter because i'm not voicing these suspicions anyway. it's best to keep things to myself, as i've learned. then again, we're all moving on, aren't we? yes. (or, more accurately, moving back.)

tonight [Tuesday, November 09, 2004 @ 6:45pm] [ mood | good ] He stands on the southwest corner of 13th Street and University Place. Clothed in all black, his face is tired and pale, his eyes watery, with a glass-like quality to them. He is maybe five-foot-nine or so, taller if he were able to stand up straight. He leans on a cane. I pass him by once and hear his quiet plea: “Spare a little change for a navy veteran?” As I walk away I feel guilty and enter a café to maybe get him some soup, or a sandwich. Nothing looks good enough and it’s all overpriced. I go back to him. “Would you like some dinner?” He turns to me and looks surprised. “I..yes, thank you.” His voice is that of an aged, ill man, he speaks slowly and shakily. “What would you like? A sandwich, some soup maybe?” “I..some potatoes, I’d like some hot food.” “All right, let’s go over there.” I point to a place across the street that I know has a salad bar. As we wait for the light he tells me that he has no place to live and that he has a bone disease, osteoporosis, and it constantly hurts him. We go inside and they don’t have much. He picks out a chicken leg, a bit of sweet potato, and some vegetables. I ask if he’d like some more vegetables. He says that he can’t have too much, his stomach has shrunken. He also gets a meatball and some spaghetti. Says his teeth are real bad now. I go up to the cash register; on the way, he tells me he already has some milk in his pocket. Waiting on the short line, he shows me his army card, a striped and star-spangled piece of plastic that looks like a mix between a driver’s license and a credit card. He was in the navy. Never fought in any wars, but he did get sent to a place, the name of which I can’t recall – some place most likely in South or Central America. The meal costs $2.88 and I am asked if it is to stay or to go. Automatically, I say, “To go,” because it is what I’m used to, but then, “Wait, do you want to stay here?” He says no. I pay and give him the change, two singles and a dime and two pennies. He thanks me again. Outside he asks, “Are you a student at NYU?” I tell him that I’m not. He laughs and says, “I’m not, either. Where are you at school?” I say that I’m still in high school. Now he’s really surprised. After a very brief pause, he begins to speak again. “You know, it’s real hard..I have my bone disease, and no place to live, and I suffer from depression, and I can’t control it..I can’t describe it, there are some things you just can’t help, and it hurts, it hurts so much. You just feel, you feel hurt, and like there’s no hope. And I have no answers. If you asked me questions, I’d have no answers for you. I don’t know how this happened to me. “I guess I’m being disciplined..I’m a son of God. It says in the Bible that all who suffer are being disciplined, and that God only punishes his sons, so you could say that’s me. But you know, I’m really not that bad off. There are people doing a lot worse than me. I’m not doing that bad. But it hurts...and there are people who just have no idea, who think that I can get out of this. You know, I’ll probably remember you for the rest of my life. Thank you so much for talking to me, for buying me dinner – this makes me happy. Talking to you, it makes me happy. Thank you.” I smile and he continues. “I used to think that maybe I’d live to seventy, eighty. I’m not so sure of that any more. Next month I turn fifty-two and I don’t know how much longer I’ll last. But I’m not doing too bad. Who knows, maybe before the end, my life will have changed. I just have to keep going. I’m not in the same place, and I just go wherever I can.” I tell him happy birthday in advance and say that my birthday is coming up soon, too. He asks if that means I’m a Sagitarrius, or Capricorn – I tell him I’m a Scorpio, and he laughs and says he never cared much for signs anyway. It’s time for him to leave, for me to head back home and for him to find a stoop to sit down on and eat. Again, he thanks me for the meal and begins to walk away. I want to say that maybe I’ll see him sometime soon, but all that comes out is “Good –” and I never finish my sentence. I don’t know if I meant to finish it off with “luck” or “night” but whatever it was meant to be, he ignores the fact that I never said it and waves goodbye. For a brief five or ten minutes I crossed paths with a complete stranger and helped him out. It’s over, and I walk on. We go in opposite directions. 14&post!

dear r. shaoul [Sunday, October 17, 2004 @ 7:32pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] i wonder where you are now.

[Wednesday, September 08, 2004 @ 7:42pm] [ mood | content ] hm, when i was with Abe at Guitar Center, i saw Sean Lennon. he was sitting outside the acoustic/classical guitar room, playing some vintage guitar. I walked in and out of the acoustic room several times because I was playing some very nice Cordoba classical guitars and was bored and/or looking for Abe, and I made eye contact with him each time. when i say eye contact, i really mean eye contact, like, he looked up from playing guitar and stared at me and we kept the gaze held for a few seconds. i just thought that was pretty cool. 14&post!

[Wednesday, September 01, 2004 @ 6:26pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Rjd2 - "Cut Out To FL" ] Disco Jared = ( fucking awesome. )     last night I got arrested at a street party/protest, where they arrested everybody. needless to say, that was a very interesting experience. they put the plastic cuffs on so tight that when I woke up this morning, I still had the marks on my wrists from them, and this was over 12 hours after having them taken off. abe is actually back tonight but it's unlikely I'll see him.     oh, and I got a great CD today, Deadringer by Rjd2, after hearing it yesterday thanks to Justin. it's this weird instrumental hip-hop - it's really good. 13&post!

i'm thinking about making this journal friends-only. [Tuesday, August 24, 2004 @ 1:47pm] [ mood | contemplative ] "well, if you like him, go for him." I just might.

[Wednesday, August 18, 2004 @ 2:05am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Dead Boys - "Not Anymore" ] I think, maybe, that I'm slowly starting to feel at ease. I really hope so. 9&post!

[Thursday, August 05, 2004 @ 5:11pm] [ music | Brand New. ] oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial. 15&post!

[Tuesday, July 06, 2004 @ 6:09pm] [ mood | happy ] I just met someone amazing. I'm proud of myself. I never approach strangers. and..I don't know. He's a daydreamer, that's the best way to describe him. I think that I need to invite him to go cloud-watching with me. 9&post!

into action everybody sprang [Friday, June 25, 2004 @ 11:46am] [ mood | content ] Today I went to school to get my report card. so after I got it, I walked into another hallway. and there were two chickens just sitting there in the middle of the hallway, one of them in the process of urinating on the floor. no one had any clue as to why the chickens were there. It was very odd. after about 15 minutes some very confused teachers put the chickens into boxes. then I left with Alanna and Lily, and we ran into Walker and some other people outside our school. We told him about the chickens. He told us about who he made out with last night, and needless to say, I was amused. I'm visiting Becka next week! 10&post!

[Tuesday, June 22, 2004 @ 9:01pm] [ mood | aroused ] I put up a picture of Adriana Lima by my bed, near where my pillows are. She's wearing a black push-up bra, it's from the VS catalogue. hot sex. ahhhhh. I love her. ( i cut it for you, becka. ) edit: Lindsay Lohan's breasts are very strange. Thank you, Becka, for bringing this to my attention. 12&post!

[Thursday, June 17, 2004 @ 11:31pm] [ mood | okay ] Best friends. He called me tonight and I knew, from the moment he said "Hi," that he was upset. I asked what was wrong and he told me a bit hesitantly, I'm guessing because he didn't want to think about it that much. His father just left to go back overseas and I'm trying to figure out how he's doing. I know that he's not well. He isn't really one to talk about those things. He always looks out for other people. I wonder if it's time I started looking out a bit more for him. Took care of him a little more. I think I'll have time for that this summer. He asked, more like stated, how me and that kid were doing, even though I had already told him and I'm sure he just wanted to change the subject, so I complied and launched into a tale of yesterday evening and then we talked about the Regents. I don't know what we are. I know that he deserves to be happy and to have peace more than anything else. He has too much responsibility. Or maybe it's not even responsibility, but he just has too much to deal with. I swear he's one of the best people I know. People like him don't deserve this. At least he's blessed with a rational mind. I invited myself over for a movie that we hadn't yet seen. I tried running to his house but I got one block away from mine and I was already completely soaked. I had been hoping for a run through the rain but that hope was dashed. I ran back home and changed and got my umbrella, then ran out again and fell in the lobby. And stood back up immediately and walked quickly down Avenue A because I couldn't run, my stomach hurt. I got to his house and we left to get the movie and something to eat. People smiled at us at Two Boots and at the supermarket. I asked him if he had seen Simon, though I knew he hadn't. I almost miss Simon, maybe I do. I miss fifth grade and sixth grade and those weird songs we made up. We took a long time deciding what flavour of ice cream we ought to get. There was no Cherry Garcia. So we got my favourite, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and his pizza got cold from all the time we stood in front of the freezer holding the door open. I stole two bites and put the rest in his mouth as he looked for the coupon for a free pint of Ben & Jerry's. We left Key Food very content. Come January and maybe then it's time to get concerned. But even so, we've got seven months to kill and eleven years behind us.

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